Posts Tagged ‘Michael Wertz’

S.BRITT LAUNCHES NEW WEBSITE; WORLD YAWNS IN APATHY

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

A lot has changed since I last had something newsworthy to jaw about, but don’t let that stop you from reading this hackneyed hogwash dear friends! From the economy to the White House to the halls of Montezuma’s revenge, the times they are a-changin’ (if I may quote the famous American singer-songwriter Burl Icle Ivanhoe Ives, and I think I just did). About the only thing that HASN’T changed is my underpants and my rather discerning, highbrow and incredibly enlightened brand of grade school humor. Why just last week I turned down a six-figure offer (and all the bubblegum I could chew in one sitting) to pen a script for the upcoming Bazooka Joe biopic, because I simply refused to pander or lower my comedic standards to those sorbitol coated, gum based, and just plain tasteless Pud jokes. What’s that? Pud worked for Double Bubble? MORT was the special-needs kid with the tragically over-sized turtleneck? Why do I always get those two humorless gum-hawking halfwits confused and how did Bazooka Joe lose his eye in the first place (the dreaded bubble gum mafia I bet!)?!? Quick, get me Michael Eisner on the horn, stat! According to the fortune on the bottom of this here comic, there just may be enough time to write this wrong (idea for a full-length motion picture) yet!

Since you’re sitting there so quiet, not holding up your end of the conversation per usual, I’ll just keep rattling on if you don’t mind. In other “me” related news, I recently relocated to Portland, Oregon last year and boy are my arms tired (see what I was telling you about my rapier wit? Practically ALL my bones are funny). From what I’ve seen of the place, it’s coming around rather nicely. I like what they’ve done with all the trees and mountains and I hear they’re planning on adding some water features within the next few years. Yep, it feels pretty good getting in on the ground floor like that. Perhaps someday this place will finally be on the map and I’m JUST the fellow to put ‘er there! You see, I never back down from a challenge, unless that challenge is the 13th Annual Backing Down Competition and Cowards Run, of which I hold the state title. There has also been a new addition to the Britt family, which of course mad Edsel didn’t immediately take to. Seeing how seating is limited and the fact that I couldn’t afford to feed another mouth, someone HAD to go. Unfortunately, I drew the shortest straw and I’ve been living in the backyard ever since (naturally I would’ve drawn a longer straw, but my crayon broke). From what I can tell (peeping through a loose floorboard), the animals are all getting along rather well now and have even thrown a few parties for their friends and loved ones. Sometimes they let me sleep on the porch when the weather gets really bad and even gave me some table scraps on my birthday. I guess I shouldn’t really complain, especially after what I did in their azaleas.

And yet, I still find the time to work every now and then. I know, I know. I’m like a modern-day Mother Teresa, except that I don’t have to deal with all those demanding lepers, always looking for a hand out (or nose). In addition to building a spanking and sparkling new website (which I couldn’t have done without the tireless efforts of my smart and talented pal Dave), I’ve also set up an Etsy shop which will soon be crammed with countless (and useless) items specifically designed to separate you from all your hardly-earned monies. In addition to a new store, I’ve also remodeled and reopened the Fun Center, salvaging it from it’s previous state of utter despair and disrepair. Now you’ll finally have something to color besides the back of your father’s bald head on the long ride home from the Grand Canyon. And you say I never do anything for you ungrateful kids. For shame! However, apart from everything else; the most exciting, gripping, triumphantly-thrill ridingest news of my must see summer is the release of my very first illustrated children’s book, which is available NOW! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and if you order yours now, you’ll only kiss $11 goodbye! And with the prices of movie ticket’s going through the cotton-pickin’ roof, that’s a bargain we all can live with. If you only buy one book this year (and really, what would you need with two?), it should be this one. I’m just sayin’ is all.

S.britt’s Jukebox: The Dodos Time To Die,Dr. Dog “Fate,Grizzly Bear “Veckatimest,Kaizers Orchestra “Våre Demoner,Various Artists “Bollywood Steel Guitar.” For me, the best part about music has always been the listening, with hearing coming in a close second.

Recommended Viewing: Lux and Ivy’s Favorites. Terrific East Bay Area artist and friend Michael Wertz turned me onto this list several months ago and I’ve been listenin’ whilst doodlin’ ever since! What a wonderful lasting tribute to a musician with a great ear for music and very little need of a belt. R.I.P. Lux Interior. Now make God rock.